Tracking My “Big Bad” Feelings Helped Me Find My Way Back to My Husband

My therapist recently gave me a simple assignment: track your big feelings. He encouraged me to note what I’m feeling, who I’m with, and what I’m doing when those emotions hit. I started using the app How We Feel, and to my surprise, logging my tougher emotions came easy. Anger, frustration, stress — those rolled in loud and clear. What was harder to track were my “happier” emotions. And that actually made sense. When I’m content or present, I’m not trying to analyze it — I’m just living it.

After about a week of tracking, I reviewed the app’s analytics, and one insight stopped me in my tracks: I had a lot of big bad feelings tied to one person — my husband. Emotions like stress, frustration, and even disgust. That last one felt like a punch to the gut. Disgust? At the man I’ve loved for over a decade? The father of my child?

But I knew it wasn’t random or sudden. This is why I’m in therapy. I’ve been working through layers of unspoken expectations and emotional survival tactics I built up long before I ever met him. And now, here I was, struggling to see my partner as a partner.

I realized I wanted him to show up 50/50 in raising our toddler — but I hadn’t clearly defined what that meant. To me, it looks like alternating who wakes up early with our son, taking turns on washing toddler dishes, or being the one to plan something fun for the weekend. I had these expectations, but I never really voiced them. And let’s be honest: how could he know what was going on in my head if I wasn’t saying it out loud?

Instead of sharing, I stewed. And the resentment built.

Then came an upcoming kid-free trip I had been dreading. Just the two of us, no distractions, no toddler to keep the conversations going. I was anxious. My mind spun up exit strategies — plan A, B, C — in case it all went badly. My brain was working overtime to protect me, preparing to flee before I even gave it a chance to go well.

That’s when my therapist stepped in with a grounding reminder:“Slow down. This goes back to your childhood. Younger you protected herself this way — planning escape routes, staying emotionally guarded. But you’re not in danger now.” His advice:

1. Talk to your husband. Clearly. Honestly.

2. Don’t ruminate. As he says, “Your head is a scary neighborhood — don’t stay in there too long.”

So, I did it. We talked. It was messy and painful — starting it felt like dragging a boulder uphill — but eventually, we reached a point of real understanding.

Then came the trip. We left our son with my mother-in-law and boarded a flight together. And something unexpected happened: as soon as we hit the airport, those big bad feelings toward him began to fade. I started seeing him again — really seeing him. The charming, funny, thoughtful guy I fell for over a decade ago. The man I once saw endless possibilities with. The man I chose.

We had a great trip. It wasn’t magic. It was clarity — and a tiny breath of space from the chaos of toddler life. We came home refreshed and more connected.

But here’s the honest part: it wasn’t happily ever after. Once our toddler was back in our arms, the tough feelings came rushing back. This is the work now — learning to ride those waves without drowning in them. I’m trying to catch myself before I spiral. Trying not to live in that scary neighborhood in my mind.

Tonight, we found a small moment. Just the two of us. A couch, a TV show, a quiet snuggle — the kind we hadn’t shared in months. And for that brief time, I didn’t let the big bad feelings win. I let myself just be happy to be next to him.

Healing isn’t linear. Marriage isn’t either. But I’m learning to talk more. Ruminate less. And keep showing up — even when my feelings feel messy and loud.